The Alcoholic Vegetarian Drinking Game
So maybe you are about to start college and have decided to become a vegetarian in order to impress all the artistic bleeding hearts smoking outside the art building and perhaps maybe fit into an even skinnier pair of jeans. Maybe you have been vegetarian for 10 years and have been waiting for someone to outline the rules of this game because you would have yourself, but have been too busy stealing from Whole Foods. This game is especially appropriate for family gatherings (reunions, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the like), or days when you will be introducing yourself to many people as a vegetarian. Here, my friend, are the (un)official rules to the Alcoholic Vegetarian Drinking Game.
The most important rule is that you must carry a flask around with you at all times. How else are you going to play this game if you haven't got something to drink at any given moment? Also, how could you possibly call yourself an alcoholic if you're not carrying a flask? (Tip: fill the flask with liquor.)
Every time some ignorant meat-eater says one of the following catchphrases to you, you are required to take the given amount of swigs out of your flask. Swig amounts are based on how common the question is.
- “But where do you get your protein?” - 1 swig. (If they say you will die without it, feel free to take another swig.)
- “Do you eat fish?” - 1 swig.
- “People Eating Tasty Animals” - 1 swig. (Any PETA mention can be 1 swig.)
- “So what do you eat, then?” - 1 swig
- “Animals would overpopulate if we didn't eat them” - 2 swigs.
- Asks you how you feel about hunting – 2 swigs.
- “I'm pretty much vegetarian, I only eat white meat.” - 2 swigs.
- “I was vegetarian for a week/month/year.” - 2 swigs
- “But I could never give up ______! It's so good!” - 3 swigs.
- “So THIS is why you're so skinny? / I'm going to fatten you up.” - 3 swigs.
- “What about your leather SHOES/BELT?” - 3 swigs. (Ever heard of canvas/plastic/faux?)
- “God put animals on this earth. / Humans are meant to eat animals.” - 3 swigs.
- “I'm going to eat 2/3 animals for every 1 you don't.” - 4 swigs.
- “We'll see if we can't get you to eat it!” - 4 swigs.
- “Sure you can eat this, it's (some kind of vegetable).” Then after you bite it, “HAH NO IT'S CHICKEN! HEHE!” or even, “No, I didn't say that was (some kind of vegetable!) I told you that was meat!” - Drink the whole flask then try to break it over their head (repeatedly).
If following the rules of this game correctly, you are bound to have a much better time at reunions, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and meet-and-greets, or at least a much number time. Enjoy using this game as proof that even herbivores can hold their liquor, or at least that they like to have more fun than the omnivores out there. If all else fails, simply try not letting people know that you're vegetarian. You wouldn't be getting very drunk that way, though.